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how do you deal with difficult emotions constructively?

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    • #6619
      livvy
      Participant

      Hi friends

      I find jealousy, anger and sadness are some of the most difficult emotions for me to handle, and also deal with constructively.

      At the moment, I have transiting Pluto conjunct natal Neptune and transiting Neptune conjunct natal Sun.

      Any thoughts, comments, observations are welcome

    • #6645
      Rose
      Participant

      Big hugs to you xx

      Transformation and Transmutation – I envision Neptune crossing over a natal sun in Pisces, like both a curtain call and a changing of scenes before the next act. How you see yourself and connect to yourself is changing. Stories are changing, realities are shifting, and Pluto crossing over your natal Neptune is transuting all of that old energy (old being of false illusions) into its newer, higher form.

      So much of transmuting those lower emotions is just in letting them go to be transformed. Acknowledge they are there because every moment before the feeling has meant something and brought you to this exact point – but recognize that you are the observer of these feelings and connect to your higher self to let them go. You are encouraged to focus on a bigger picture of who you are as Neptune crosses over the symbol of your identity and purpose – Connecting to yourself and Source is a theme for all who is in the middle of this particular transit. xx

    • #6647
      Faith
      Facilitator

      This is such an good question @livvy, because I think pretty much everyone can relate to it at some time or another.

      Personally at the moment I am having a really hard time dealing with anger towards my mother-in-law, who I experience as a very self-centred and judgemental person.

      In my chart, the Moon is squared by Pluto making all my emotional reactions very intense and often destructive. But being in Capricorn my Moon is also very covert, and so my emotions often occur below the surface where they are unseen by those around me, like an underground volcanic eruption.

      In this case my initial reaction was to completely withdraw from the relationship and refuse contact. My tendency is to be very tolerant of others for a long time, putting up with a lot of rubbish from them, and then when I am pushed beyond my limits, usually in a way that I perceive as a betrayal of my trust, I cut all ties without warning. Often the person is unaware of what the hell happened, only that I am no longer speaking to them!

      Yeah, I know, not the most healthy way of dealing with anger!

      When I am more conscious I try to use the helpful aspects to my Moon, in particular a sextile to Uranus, to help me work with these intense emotions more constructively. Uranus helps me be more fair and to find a solution that works for everyone. Close conjunctions to the Sun and Venus help with healing damaged relationships.

      What are the aspects in your chart that you think make emotions difficult for you? What helpful aspects do you have that could be useful in helping you find more constructive ways to deal with them?

    • #6651
      Anonymous

      Hello @livvy, @admin and @rosereiki,

      For me the hardest emotion to handle is feeling misunderstood, and also that whatever I say will not be heard or even considered.

      Lately I have been learning more about personal defenses, both my own and those of others. Sometimes we block out what we don’t want to deal with or rationalize our motivations, or others do that.

      That is the most frustrating thing to me, when I feel another has just blocked me through being thoroughly self centered or, as I call it – deaf, dumb and blind to how they effect others. I find myself being angry and frustrated because there is no way to reach this person, or express what I feel with tact and careful words.

      It’s so hard to accept a deadlock of misunderstanding with another person that can’t be reckoned or reconciled with diplomacy, even when there is anger and hurt. @admin Faith, are you feeling this frustration? It seems that silence is the only choice, whatever our charts says.

      I am a Gemini with Capricorn rising and Saturn very close to the sun, and Capricorn values respect and courtesy and also careful word choice so as not to be misunderstood. Gemini believes that words can cut across barriers as a bridge to communication. But when someone is disrespectful and discourteous out of their own impatience or selfishness, this is really a difficult emotion, because the feelings are difficult to communicate without making the other person even more defensive and offensive. It seems like the only thing to do is rise above it, but how? This is when I pray for an answer, and back away.
      Linda

    • #6653
      Faith
      Facilitator

      Hi @Linda and all…

      Yes it certainly feels in my case that I am in a deadlock! It’s as though we are seeing things through completely different lenses and are thus unable to accept or understand one another’s point of view. From my perspective there is a complete lack of empathy on her part and a sense of superiority that leads her to treat others with rudeness and disrespect.

      I’ve always found surrender to be an effective way of dealing with difficult emotions, it kind of dissolves them. But how does one surrender while maintaining healthy boundaries and making it clear that certain behaviours are unacceptable? You are right that Capricorn needs to be respected and cannot tolerate rudeness! I feel so angry that finding a way to convey my feelings in a compassionate way has become very difficult.

      I know pride and ego is playing a part here but there is also self-respect to consider. This is a very toxic person and I need to find a way to deal with her in a way that is healthy for both parties.

    • #6654
      Anonymous

      Hello @admin,

      Although I don’t know your chart well, I do know there is Capricorn Sun and venus and another planet in the 8th house. Think of mars transiting Cancer right now, the place of the feminine psyche, sometimes at it’s witchy worst. I imagine this mars is in your second house right now, the place of values, self respect, self worth and personal territory. Cancer is family, mothers, feeling, ownership, and shelter, and nourishment, whether that be physical or emotional. Mars in Cancer is like a torpedo shot from a submarine, shot through the ocean of these feeling waters. It is unpredictable, reactionary and emotional warfare, with no boundaries, rules or respect. Mars in Cancer has recently opposed Pluto in your eighth house and when I imagine this, I see great tension, a sense of entrapment, and and feeling of emotional sabotage, but covert and very hard to pinpoint. It is a kind or unspoken hostility, acted out rather than overtly expressed.

      Are you still in Europe? Are you in her home? I only ask, because it could be teritorial possesiveness and the vicious claw of a mother-in-law, who has not released her son to his new wife. So the anger [Mars] is stirring up unresolved emotions.

      To me this is an existential dilema. but sometimes the key is seeing this as childish behavior [Cancer] in an adult, who sees you wrongly as an invader {mars] rather than a new member of the family, who is bringing her grandchildren into being. She is no longer the only mother, and if this was her main source of identity, you have existentially, just by being there, awakened feeling of being deposed. This of course is primitive and cruel [mars] as her family is being expanded not threatened. This Mars transti if felt in a healthy way, might be the vigor and energy to make new emotional rooms for new family members.

      Of course, this is all conjecture on my part, but haughtiness, superiority and
      oneupsmanship, and dismissive actions are the weapons [Mars] of the weak and insecure {Cancer}. This sounds very primal, unconcious and therfore very hard to address openly. I have had to learn to handle these primal emotions within my family and it is like, as I said before, encountering an emotional torpedo aimed right at me, but camaflauged as household rules, or stupid criticsm, like “Oh, I didn’t know you slept with window open. We don’t do that here, because it allows bugs to fly in and makes more work for me.” Totally petty, but a put down. Very difficult to counter with a reply without sarcasm or retaliation. So maybe just think – this is not about me, and soon it will be over.

      maybe this will find resonance. Hope so.

      sincerely,
      Linda

      • #6669
        Faith
        Facilitator

        You really hit the nail on the head here @Linda! I hadn’t been paying much attention to Mars as it’s been a very hectic time for us but what you’ve written here makes a lot of sense. Even the example you give about leaving the window open resonates! Yes there is a lot of petty stuff that is overlaying deeper issues going way back before I was even on the scene and the family culture is one of simply ignoring the issues and pretending everything is ok. Unfortunately I’m not the sort to pretend and play nice when I can see things are actually really yukky. Ah well, Pluto conjunct the natal Sun was never meant to be easy and I had an exact contact on 19 June just around the time this whole situation was most turbulent!

    • #6655
      livvy
      Participant

      @rosereiki Faith @admin @linda thank you for support and words – this is helpful to talk about with others

      One thing I have been using more recently is Eris in the chart – I have a tight square between natal Eris and Uranus, in 4th and 1st houses respectively (using whole sign houses). How I interpret this right now, is that I would take on more responsibility for those I care about, than others would realise, expect or understand, and resentment resulting from this “not being seen” undermines personal growth and understanding. I can easily become reactive towards these relationships of dependence – and seek independence from them because of pain and loneliness of not being understood, myself.

    • #6656
      Iratxe Mendi
      Participant

      Hi @livvy, @rosereiki, @admin Faith and @linda,

      Your words come just in time. I am right now inside one of those processes of moving through some of the emotions you write about – on communication, on being in relationship with someone to whom it seems impossible to reach, since, if one tries to name the experience, the whole thing might become more and more closed and reactive…I usually end up swallowing the whole thing and even condemning myself. In my case, looking at the chart…well, looking at my chart I guess you can take the whole chart: Cap rising, Moon square Pluto and Mars, Saturn in Taurus inconjunct Mercury in Libra, Chiron in Aries…Scorpio MC with Jupiter Venus and Neptune up there…somehow seeing a lot of the game and not knowing what to do with it…yes, the whole chart! (Lately I seem to be unable to discern, as if what I have learnt so far were being melted…somehow).

      There is a lot of emotional stuff that I am processing, as if my life had been an emotional processing workshop!:)…these victim-tyrant and self-worthlessness-arrogance polarities that emerge from the egoic structure…and more…exhaustion.

      Also, there are new feelings or more balanced states of being that start to emerge as we keep working on ourselves…and so I just don’t want to play the old game, the fight…I would love to be able to cut the chords (in some cases at least), since being in the battlefield all the time seems to erase all the work done. Maybe not all, but it is as if something got in the way.

      What I am going through right now is connected to this female boss who calls herself feminist but/and who plays the game of el padrino. And of course, she is totally unaware…Eris and Lilith are playing here her part. If you had a chance @livvy I would love to know about how do you see or feel the difference between BML and Eris, it is a question that has arisen many times in the past, wanting to integrate them better. I just leave it here. It is not just a mental question: in cases like this I feel those two energetic elements work in very different ways, and, at the same time, they seem to intermingle…

      Briefly: tough! My grandmother used to tell me “you need to learn how to live”. At 46 still here…I bet she is laughing wherever she is now. In peace…no more emotional battlefields…I hope ;)

      PS: I came back to recommend you the book I am working with right now: “The Marriage of Spirit” by Leslie Temple-Thurston. You might know it. Most of the “naming” in this post comes from here: processing, those specific polarities, “balanced states”…things that have been here and there and that the book helps to integrate and much more. Also, I am finally starting to engage (in) daily meditation, something that is just a must in my own case and life. And it is hard, resistance comes and goes…well, I guess you know :) And I am finally being able to just love it. All at the same time: the both/and…

    • #6657
      livvy
      Participant

      @iratxe thank you for sharing

      my initial thoughts on difference between Eris and Lilith, for me, would be that Eris seems to represent a kind of nuclear force in reaction to a primitive, often deeply accurate and sensitive kind of knowledge (which does not mean the reaction itself will be proportionate or sensitive, but this kind of nuclear force needs to be EXPRESSED, instead of eating away inside of us, and that is what I would take to be one of the lessons of Eris) – where Lilith to me seems to represent the focus of that primitive knowledge itself. Lilith seems to me to represent the focus of a primitive kind of knowledge, in which sexuality and nature are not divided and are neither innocent or blameworthy, perhaps, but undifferentiated and whole.

      • #6658
        Iratxe Mendi
        Participant

        Thank you @livvy, this is so beautifully written. I am going to read it again and again, since I feel it can even transform and wake up something down here. The day I asked you I remembered I have Eris (Rx, 2nd) and Lilith (8th) making a loose inconjunction, so it made sense this being unable to integrate them…and more…but I am not able to name it clearly yet…something seems to be happening to my Mercury – or it might be Lilith herself ! :)

      • #6724
        Iratxe Mendi
        Participant

        Hello @livvy and all the rest,

        Today the full Moon has been conjunct natal Eris Rx (12 Aries) and so, I have spent some time tapping into her and reading some texts, including what is here, in the forum.

        Primordial excluded and even repressed knowledge that cannot find a channel or way to express seems like a keyword: what you wrote resonates with my experience. I am still unable to connect the dot with BML (the focus) but I guess I will sense it during one of those transits.

        Eris is close to Chiron Rx (7 Aries) and opposite Uranus at 10 degrees of Libra. Being such a distant “object”, the house placement seems to be key. Here she lies close to the 3rd house and is disposed by Mercury. I do sense her influence also in the second house, in that movement from second to third. And being one of those with a lot of energetic principles in the upper side of the chart, tapping into her is key, since she is one root. So, up until now nothing interesting, just my data. It has been a day almost dedicated to unravel and honor raw I’d say feminine, basic, hidden energies or so. Very old rage surfacing at times. Now it is all quiet. “I have done my best”, moving the body being what has helped the most.

        I came back because I wanted to share with you this web were you can find interesting information on Eris, even a pdf (first link), in case you haven’t found it yet:

        http://members.planetwaves.net/eris-resources/

        In my case, maybe due to the position in the chart she is very physical, but I wonder what would be the case, if, for instance, she were up in the tenth house, where the collective seems to get almost glued to the archetype until one can own him/her (if she ever can, of course). I guess this is something that happens in every single house or field of experience, just because we are humans and go through childhood and all the conditioning; but, again, just from my own experience, planets in the down/below region of the chart are much more embodied (like “this is me”), and more and more I realize how much they determine and even guide -somehow- all the rest.

        Wait…with the exception of Venus in the tenth house. She is SRx…so, I just realized something else. Even if I am still in this sort of deconstructive process, astrology keeps being home. I wait for a transit to hit or being felt, and then she continues the unraveling. Lately there have been many insights on the way asteroids influence the map (or maybe hologram?).

        So here…

    • #6725
      livvy
      Participant

      @iratxe reading your post made me think of where Eris is in my chart, it is in 5th house using whole sign houses and that fits – it expresses to me what I think Mercury retrograde could sometimes feel like, and with Mercury square Ascendant in my chart perhaps that still does count as an afflicted Mercury? Although I am not always completely clear or consciously critical of my own ways of hiding painfulness from myself and others, I think we should be free and open to express ourselves independently – independently honest expression is one of my values, but I know that I also feel threatened sometimes by others’ possible judgement of my chosen mode of expression, so I am not necessarily consistent in applying that philosophy. With Uranus in 2nd house square Eris 5th house, this actually makes more sense to me now as Uranus is a generational planet in the house of values … and Uranus is conjunct Neptune and Ceres. So that value is how I envisage others needing and wanting to be nurtured, but it is also a source of futility, disillusionment and rage sometimes, with Uranus aspecting Neptune, Ceres, and Eris in 5th house. I think perhaps I am reacting not as much against others’ judgement of my expression, but others’ judgement of my reaction to their misunderstanding of my expression – if they don’t understand me, I will be sad, I think they will be uncomfortable with my sadness, and then I am despairing or angry that it does not occur to them to let me be free in my sadness, which sounds strange but that is what I would have liked from my family, to have been given the freedom to know that I could have “negative” emotions and not need to feel alienated from those feelings, in an effort to save face for them. In this way I think my identity has been split between needing and wanting to save face for others, through controlling my own emotions, and struggling to express my commitment to the whole spectrum of how I actually feel, no matter how things appear or what others may demand of me. Ultimately the second option I know is the way that I need to travel, even just for myself, I know for others they may need to manage their own lives somewhat differently.

      Now I think I have one of those experiences like you @iratxe where writing is cathartic in a very direct manner …. so thanks for the opportunity of writing here, and for sharing as you have done with me as I wake up and read your post this morning x

      • #6727
        Iratxe Mendi
        Participant

        Hello back @livvy, I just read your post and feel grateful. Such a rich paragraph.

        From this first read – I am aware I’d need to go back to some of the correlations you mention-, here some thoughts. Maybe some of the words don’t fit with what you actually mean/experience. I am sharing from what has resonated here….as I read again I keep seeing layers…so, here it goes, a first take, incomplete:

        Even if the elements, aspects and so on, don’t seem to fit so much between our charts, there is a lot that resonates through your words. I also have Mercury square AS and so far haven’t been able to discern how could it affect my life in general. Here I find a clue. I am not sure about the being afflicted, it could also bring activation? In my case, Mercury is also and exactly inconjunct Saturn Rx 4th house, which brings another layer of…implosion? as I read your words, this aspect (Mercury square AS) did feel related or connected to those experiences of being misunderstood in a rather complex and just human way – and the whole feeling reaction, and the impossibility to be whole and authentic within the group. The communication gap. Many times, mostly in the past, I have felt-seen like an abyss in between what I mean to express and my embodiment, and then what comes out and the comes back…again, just weaving from what I read.

        I guess that, as we keep choosing honesty, at least getting closer, some things need to fall. I also guess this might have to do with Moon and fourth house placements…OK, in general with the whole chart! (This is something that keeps showing herself more and more: the interconnectedness, how one placement resonates with another one or two or even more. Like similar stories told from different and still related perspectives).

        Also, there is something that has come as I was reading your post. I leave it here in case it resonates for/with you: one energy worker named it the veil of hiding. After a teleconference I sent him an email sharing the experience, something he usually asks for. I told him I did not dare to share anything in the Q&A, that it felt like a wall…This (what I discerned later) fear of being seen, discovered, misunderstood…(killed if we move down to the bottom or core?). He told me it is key, part of human experience. To go inside and sense it, feel it…and ask for help to be dissolved.

        When I share my experiences here in the forum, even now that it seems to be so quiet, it is a choice. I ponder upon it. And at times I have felt I could have been too much. And then, I let go as I tap into the moment of writing and into my own relationship with astrology and with this forum. There is care. It has been a powerful learning experience through these now years.

        By the way, maybe this is not the right place to share it – there was a topic-thread were you opened the lunar in depth…(much of what is being shared resonates with the lunar principle…) OK, here it goes: yesterday I listened to this solar lunar conversation between father and daughter Tarnas: hope you enjoy it. I did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psy6FSaKlbQ

        I look up and sense some grammar mistakes, mostly prepositions…I hope the message goes through.

    • #6740

      Interesting subject. I think that, for some people, learning how to manage difficult emotions is a lifelong work-in-progress. I consider myself to be one of those people: in my chart, Mars in Aries opposes my Libra Moon, and both bodies are squared by Chiron and Neptune. I am extremely reactive and responsive, easily triggered because of past trauma as well, and yet, I am also very, very tempted to put up with stuff I find annoying until I snap.
      In order to avoid such outcome, I have developed the habit of being straightforward and honest with those around me, especially in a romantic context. I made it a point to speak up whenever something bugs me, and to be outspoken about the things I find unacceptable. I’m still learning though, but in situations when I cannot just speak up for reasons, I simply distance myself enough to avoid taking any sh*t. This allows me to discuss stuff that I might find problematic or harmful without having to get to that point where my mind is completely numb with anger. I am able to communicate clearly and in a lucid manner.
      As for jealousy, it depends – is it the kind of jealousy you feel in the context of a relationship, towards potential “rivals”? In this case, I think I can say I have mastered the art of laughing it off. Don’t underestimate the power of irony! Laugh about yourself, about your jealousy, in short don’t take it seriously. I have Venus square Jupiter though so this is probably why this coping mechanism comes natural to me at this point.

    • #6742
      livvy
      Participant

      @cristina thanks for your response – I would be interested to hear/learn/know more about the qualities of Venus square Jupiter – I think I’ve got retrograde Jupiter in Virgo 10th house quincunx Mars, Venus and Saturn stellium in Aquarius 3rd house and I feel that maybe this aspect could be more determinate of the dynamic of my relations with others than I had previously appreciated – the closest aspect is between Mars and Jupiter and I think I tend to feel initially threatened and competitive with the person I am romantically interested in, but this doesn’t always leave them very much room to take initiative… I feel that my aggressive or somewhat competitive behaviour, willing to prove myself for the other person, would make it seem as though I didn’t want them to take the initiative, and yet if they don’t take their initiative, I also feel as though I can’t respect them, or even dislike them momentarily, as though I needed them to match me in their skills and I was testing them to be on my side in a partner sport … Using the houses, it makes more sense to me now because for me it is about intellectual and expressive courage to be different, unpredictable and pioneering, willing to stand out publicly and encourage me in how I see myself because otherwise I would not feel they could stand living with me through work and social situations, I guess I am seeking someone who will not feel threatened by my mode of operating, or turned off, or misunderstand my intention- I dislike the “crowd” because I don’t trust people’s need to sacrifice their personality for the sake of survival, not from conscious malice towards any group whatsoever, I don’t think. Maybe I am testing for someone who will appreciate me for my way of thinking in relation to the group, and not abandon me in favour of the group when the chips are down/when things get tough; someone who will appreciate me for those very things which may lead me to not fit in with the group, for which the group itself may dislike me or suspect me


      @iratxe
      I feel that last part I wrote about feeling- and thinking-relations with groups could have some resonance with what you wrote … The story of one’s evolving contact with groups in general makes a lot of difference to who we decide to choose as friends, and how confident or uncertain we feel in ourselves towards our own characteristic mode of operating

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